Yeah, it's too early but why not?
Yule, the winter solstice, is a time of great symbolism and power.
It marks the return of the sun, when they days finally begin to get a little longer. It's also a time to celebrate with family and friends, and share the spirit of giving during the holidays.
This ritual is intended for the Solitary. It is a private worship ritual, and is written so you can apply your own personal Spiritual Path to this.
Though I love the out-doors and hope we could all do this under this special "Full long night moon", location and/or weather may dictate an indoor ritual.
I have made this so it can be done anywhere, by as little as one or one and a special friend or two, with as few extra necessities as possible.
I keep the candles as normal when it comes to rituals, one for each direction.
This would seem to be all you really need, though if you are in a public place, candles may be out of the question also.
You really need none of the trappings, all you need is yourself. All other materials are optional.
But I think the candles are also quite nice outside, protected in a votive holder or a candle box or fairy light, in case there is wind. Of course, if the place you are worshipping in is your own garden, then decorate for the season. Or, if it is indoors, again, go as decorative as you want, or as sparse as you want. What ever makes you feel "Yulish".
I tend to keep this Ritual generic.
Add the names of your God and/or Goddess or the names of the Elements or Directions as applies to your own chosen path.
I like to be as simple as I can so as not to get tied into fancy planning, or extra work instead of concentrating on the Spiritual aspect of the ritual.
Easy wording, simple prayer, and as much left to you as possible, so it will end up being YOUR ritual.
This ritual should be performed right after sunset.
About an hour before, sweep area moving in a deosil (clockwise) manner. Yule symbols such as Poinsettias, Pine Cones, and even a decorated Yule Log nearby (if too big for an altar) adds to the ambiance if you're going a true yule environ.
First, set your circle, walking around the circle three times deosil. Chanting is nice here, maybe one you already know, maybe the one I have written here... It's the one my mother used so I feel obliged to use it, but I do have my own.
Here the circle I do cast
Call the elements to bind it fast
Beyond the boundaries of Time and Space
I/We create here a Sacred Place
Where none but love has entered in
And with Love I/we now begin.
Face the east, light the candle
Ancient One of the East, Spirit of Air, I/We welcome you to my/our circle this night. For Yule, I/we ask you bring your gift of thought, to enlighten us with the wisdom of common sense. Ancient One of the East, be welcome.
Face the south, light the candle
Ancient One of the South, Spirit of Fire, I/We welcome you to my/our circle this night. For Yule, I/we ask you bring your gift of a warm and loving heart, to spread love everywhere I/we go. Ancient One of the South, be welcome.
Face the west, light the candle
Ancient One of the West, Spirit of Water, I/we welcome you to my/our circle this night. For Yule, I/we ask you bring your gift of strength to wash over us that we may always offer a hand to those who need. Ancient One of the West, be welcome.
Face north, light the candle
Ancient One of the North, Spirit of Earth, I/we welcome you to my/our circle this night. For Yule, I/we ask you bring your gift of the joy of life to our circle, so we can appreciate every day we have, and share that joy with all we love. Ancient One of the North, be welcome.
Standing in the centre of the circle at this point, Call upon the God and/or Goddess to join your circle.
I/We welcome the God to my/our circle this Yule; the Ivy King, the Winter King, the Sage. Bless my/our celebration, grace me/us with your presence this night, bless my/our circle.
I/We welcome the Goddess to my/our circle this Yule, the Great Moon Mother Goddess, the Winter Queen, the Crone. Bless my/our celebration, grace me/us with your presence this night, bless my/our circle.
Now the circle is complete.
Yule is special, as it is also a Full Moon, the time when we ask the Lady for something if we have a need. This is the time to ask for what you may need, or something someone near and dear to you may need.
This is a time to meditate upon the meaning of Yule, the Gift of Life, the cycle of life, death and rebirth. Ask if you have a need, request for another if you wish and concentrate on the gift you request and what it is for and what it means to you and to all.
This can be done as a group request, or as a personal request.
The next is a meditation on the God and Goddess. You can do this meditation alone or discuss it with your small gathering.
This is a time to listen in your heart for the words of the Mother. She speaks to those who listen and have open minds and open hearts.
Listen carefully and She will speak to you. So will the God, if you are receptive to Him too. Together they will tell you of Their love for Their children, of Their promise of rebirth.
They will hold your hand and lead you through your many lives. They will be there to hold you when you need comfort, to give you the spark of inspiration when you need to know, and They will wrap you in Their cloak of Love when you feel the world is a cold place.
Think upon Them, find the place inside of you where They are a part of you. They are your Mother and Father, you are their children. They love you, as you love Them.
Now, gather into yourself all the warmth this circle brings to you, all the energy you feel from this is yours to draw upon.
Fill yourself, and when you have taken all the energy you feel you need, it is time to release the rest to the Mother Earth, so She can use it where it will do the most good.
Release it, and ground yourself. Touch the earth, go deep into Her soul, feel her. And smile.
Rest now, and meditate on Her goodness. This is a good time for the cakes and ale, or cookies and juice, or what ever Yule feast you have.
Some fruit and wine, some nuts... just remember to share with those elements you have called here, spill some wine/juice on the earth, and leave some food on the ground for them.
If indoors, place some wine and food on a plate, and take it outside after....
Now is the time to dismiss the powers you have called
Lord and/or Lady, I/we thank you for joining our circle this evening, bringing your love, joy and warmth to us. Stay if you want, go if you must. Please come back again and always be welcome here.
Face north, extinguish the candle
I/We thank you, Ancient One of the North, Spirit of the Earth, for being in my/our circle this evening. I/we thank you for your gifts. Go now, in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way... Hail and Farewell
Face west, extinguish the candle
I/We thank you, Ancient One of the West, Spirit of the Water, for being in my/our circle this evening. I/we thank you for your gifts. Go now, in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way... Hail and Farewell
Face south, extinguish the candle
I/We thank you, Ancient One of the South, Spirit of Fire, for being in my/our circle this evening. I/we thank you for your gifts. Go now, in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way... Hail and Farewell
Face east, extinguish the candle
I/We thank you, Ancient One of the East, Spirit of Air, for being in my/our circle this evening. I/we thank you for your gifts. Go now, in peace, blessing all those you meet on your way.. Hail and Farewell
Walk three times round your circle widdershins (counter-clockwise) releasing the circle. A chant is nice, but I am rather fond of this closing....
The circle is open, but never broken. Merry meet, merry part and merry we meet again.
Now is the time for a good hearty meal for yourself, or if you have some friends or a special friend, or your lover, this is the time for a good feast, and to exchange gifts.
Remember, if you did this alone it is a special time for you too. Did you buy something special for yourself? Now is the time to wear it, or listen to it, or read it, or whatever...
And most of all, when the time comes, have a most Happy Yule! Enjoy the many Blessings of the Season!
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Americans are culturally inferior
Don't flame me for this, I didn't write it. I'm working on a topic of my own for next weeks, and my friend Serra has been considering starting her own blog for a while... This is pretty much like a test run for her. These are her words and this is, for all intents and purposes, her post.
\m/ (>.<) \m/
So, a while back I was having a "discussion" with some total fuckwit about how genomes are deteriorating over time, meaning our once "great" human race is actually de-evolving, mainly due to our reliance on machines. The conversation went on and I eventually got this reply
"Americans are genetically superior to all others
No other country has the same level of variety in its gene pool than America. Variety in the gene pool is important for increasing the odds of survival against genetic defect. Therefore, I assert that as a whole, Americans are genetically superior to all others."
At the time, I just called her a camel shagging transvestite, because I was immeasurably tired and couldn't be bothered. but that really annoyed me with its sheer arrogance, and rather than sinking myself lower and getting riled up about it, I've instead decided to contest that statement... Even though I know it will never get read, So I've done my research and pulled my shit together.
This is a very interesting statement, which clearly comes from a genetically inferior being. First of all, human beings are social beings, not merely biological. When you put them together in groups, a socius and a culture emerge which are separate and powerful entities that are more than just the sum of its parts.
As we all know, both this socius and culture play a far more important role than genes when we're thinking on the scale of entire human populations.
Well, if we take that into account, then America may soon face the same fate as all previous civilisations before it, because in reality it is not a genetically diverse population, but a genetically segregationist society (here, culture and ideology already limit genetic mixing). The And historically speaking, the Roman Empire had a far more diverse population than contemporary America--both in biological and in social terms.
The per capita number of mixed marriages and kids in the US. is not that much higher than in other hybrid populations (like those of Brazil, South Africa, and Europe). So I don't take the statement all too serious.
But I want to elaborate on another point.
It's obvious that in the end culture decides over the strength of a population. America's rise to power was mainly due to a 19th century ideology of Progress, Utilitarianism and Racism. Later on came Imperialism.
These values brought wealth and prosperity to a totally racist society, with whites and blacks absolutely segregated. When Asian immigrants were imported to do dirty work we saw the same. America's multicultural society is a very recent phenomenon, and I'm not really sure if it is an interesting kind of multiculturalism, because it is so superficial.
In fact, I consider the USA to be one of the most culturally homogeneous and least diverse societies on the planet. And this leads all kinds of weaknesses.
Elements of that homogeneous culture and that unitary ideology--which you have to take an oath on to call yourself "American"--directly lead to premature death (Americans rank rather low qua overall health compared to Europeans; their Stress Society produces all kinds of strange phenomena, like massive drug abuse, incredible obesity stats, etc...).
Now, premature death on a social scale is not really a great sign of genetic power. So we see that the cultural sphere directly influences the biological sphere of individuals, when we're thinking on the scale of entire populations.
But the social and cultural sphere of course also create effects within their own spheres (and in the end, these come back to the biological sphere): problems arising from the American ideology may in the long run lead to the total destruction of that "genetically diverse" population.
The reason being is when a "country maintains its 19th century ideology (of imperialism, superiority etc...) in the 21st century, cultural anachronisms grow, which can be lethal (that's a "lesson" we have learned from history).
Take global inequalities: the USA is by far the biggest and most arrogant consumer of all kinds of resources on this planet, per capita.
Since American kids in general are just ordinary kids (socially and culturally a bit less intelligent than other people on the planet, that has been well documented), "then why are they so well off?", many people ask. Well, this global feeling of injustice in turn may lead to anti-Americanism on a planetary scale which may lead to conflict, which may lead to an even bigger "Stress Society", leading to even more premature death ratios etc...
The question is: can America, being a wealthy society (but with enormous internal and external inequalities) technologically keep up with the growth of anti-Americanism? I don't think so. If America chooses to keep its paranoia (cultural weakness) as its basic societal metaphor, history may prove it to be an non-viable project.
\m/ (>.<) \m/
So, a while back I was having a "discussion" with some total fuckwit about how genomes are deteriorating over time, meaning our once "great" human race is actually de-evolving, mainly due to our reliance on machines. The conversation went on and I eventually got this reply
"Americans are genetically superior to all others
No other country has the same level of variety in its gene pool than America. Variety in the gene pool is important for increasing the odds of survival against genetic defect. Therefore, I assert that as a whole, Americans are genetically superior to all others."
At the time, I just called her a camel shagging transvestite, because I was immeasurably tired and couldn't be bothered. but that really annoyed me with its sheer arrogance, and rather than sinking myself lower and getting riled up about it, I've instead decided to contest that statement... Even though I know it will never get read, So I've done my research and pulled my shit together.
This is a very interesting statement, which clearly comes from a genetically inferior being. First of all, human beings are social beings, not merely biological. When you put them together in groups, a socius and a culture emerge which are separate and powerful entities that are more than just the sum of its parts.
As we all know, both this socius and culture play a far more important role than genes when we're thinking on the scale of entire human populations.
Well, if we take that into account, then America may soon face the same fate as all previous civilisations before it, because in reality it is not a genetically diverse population, but a genetically segregationist society (here, culture and ideology already limit genetic mixing). The And historically speaking, the Roman Empire had a far more diverse population than contemporary America--both in biological and in social terms.
The per capita number of mixed marriages and kids in the US. is not that much higher than in other hybrid populations (like those of Brazil, South Africa, and Europe). So I don't take the statement all too serious.
But I want to elaborate on another point.
It's obvious that in the end culture decides over the strength of a population. America's rise to power was mainly due to a 19th century ideology of Progress, Utilitarianism and Racism. Later on came Imperialism.
These values brought wealth and prosperity to a totally racist society, with whites and blacks absolutely segregated. When Asian immigrants were imported to do dirty work we saw the same. America's multicultural society is a very recent phenomenon, and I'm not really sure if it is an interesting kind of multiculturalism, because it is so superficial.
In fact, I consider the USA to be one of the most culturally homogeneous and least diverse societies on the planet. And this leads all kinds of weaknesses.
Elements of that homogeneous culture and that unitary ideology--which you have to take an oath on to call yourself "American"--directly lead to premature death (Americans rank rather low qua overall health compared to Europeans; their Stress Society produces all kinds of strange phenomena, like massive drug abuse, incredible obesity stats, etc...).
Now, premature death on a social scale is not really a great sign of genetic power. So we see that the cultural sphere directly influences the biological sphere of individuals, when we're thinking on the scale of entire populations.
But the social and cultural sphere of course also create effects within their own spheres (and in the end, these come back to the biological sphere): problems arising from the American ideology may in the long run lead to the total destruction of that "genetically diverse" population.
The reason being is when a "country maintains its 19th century ideology (of imperialism, superiority etc...) in the 21st century, cultural anachronisms grow, which can be lethal (that's a "lesson" we have learned from history).
Take global inequalities: the USA is by far the biggest and most arrogant consumer of all kinds of resources on this planet, per capita.
Since American kids in general are just ordinary kids (socially and culturally a bit less intelligent than other people on the planet, that has been well documented), "then why are they so well off?", many people ask. Well, this global feeling of injustice in turn may lead to anti-Americanism on a planetary scale which may lead to conflict, which may lead to an even bigger "Stress Society", leading to even more premature death ratios etc...
The question is: can America, being a wealthy society (but with enormous internal and external inequalities) technologically keep up with the growth of anti-Americanism? I don't think so. If America chooses to keep its paranoia (cultural weakness) as its basic societal metaphor, history may prove it to be an non-viable project.
Sunday, 17 July 2011
100 reasons why I love you.
For you my dear husband
01. For being patient with me.
02. For being the most honest person that I know.
03. For your love.
04. For making me feel comfortable around you.
05. For being true to yourself.
06. For being my early morning buddy.
07. For caring for me when I am sick.
08. For putting up with all my weirdness.
09. For being the sweetest person that I know.
10. For your comforting hugs.
11. For holding my hand.
12. For making me laugh.
13. For being the corniest, yet the funniest person that I know.
14. For being my greatest blessing.
15. For accepting me and everything that I am.
16. For sharing your life with me.
17. For allowing me to share my life with you.
18. For sharing your dreams with me.
19. For holding me when I cry.
20. For letting me pour out everything to you.
21. For listening to me when I need to rant.
22. For listening to me when I just need to talk.
23. For being there for me.
24. For understanding everything that I am.
25. For everything that you are.
26. For cheering me up when I'm all bummed out.
27. For assuring me that everything will be okay.
28. For standing with me in the rain.
29. For gazing at the stars with me.
30. For the adventurous person that you are.
31. For watching TV with me, even when you're already tired and sleepy.
32. For the little things that you do.
33. For never doubting me.
34. For being an angel.
35. For always being true to your words.
36. For the special things you do for me.
37. For treating me well.
38. For the inquisitive person that you are.
39. For being great at turning your feelings into the music which you play.
40. For keeping me warm when I'm cold.
41. Because you make me smile.
42. Because you make me happy.
43. Because you make me feel complete with you.
44. Because you make me want no-one else in the world.
45. Because you make me feel special.
46. Because I can tell you everything.
47. Because you sing to me!
48. Because you dance for me too!
49. Because you're my life's inspiration.
50. Because you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.
51. Because you know me better than anybody else.
52. Because you make my life wonderful by being part of it.
53. Because you keep me sane.
54. Because you give me a reason to anticipate waking up every morning.
55. Because you taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
56. Because you never fail to brighten up my day.
57. Because you make me feel good about myself.
58. Because you make me proud of myself.
59. Because you make me proud of being yours.
60. Because you're everything I ever hoped for... And more.
61. Because you add colour to my life.
62. Because you allow me to just be myself.
63. Because you make it so easy to love you.
64. Because you always know exactly what to say.
65. Because you make me laugh when I want to cry.
66. Because you help me understand myself better.
67. Because you take good care of me.
68. Because you make me smile every time my phone beeps.
69. Because even if you say that you're not perfect, to me, you still are.
70. Because you were definitely worth the wait.
71. Because you're the best musician in the whole wide world!
72. Because you make me feel important.
73. Because you make me feel loved.
74. Because you bring out the best in me.
75. Because with you, everything is just perfect.
76. Because you believe in me.
77. Because there's no reason not to.
78. Because you always manage to plaster a silly smile on my face.
79. Because you always listen, even when I'm disappointed and angry.
80. Because you understand my feelings, no matter how selfish or wrong they are.
81. Because you can actually put up with my occasional emotional outbursts.
82. Because you always find time for me, even when you're busy.
83. Because my entire being's telling me that I do.
84. Because even when I'm all moody, you still manage to make me laugh.
85. Because you give great back massages.
86. Because you teach me so many things about life.
87. Because you make me feel contented with myself and my life.
88. Because I'm at my happiest when I'm with you.
89. Because you make me look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
90. Because you're the father of our gorgeous daughter.
91. Because you see a beauty in me that I fail to see myself.
92. Because you're brilliant!
93. Because You saw me for me, not my bank account.
94. Because no matter how crappy I feel, you always tell me I look beautiful.
95. Because you're intelligent.
96. Because I love playing with your hair.
97. Because we can talk from dusk 'till dawn and the conversation never gets stale.
98. Because you accepted my beliefs without question.
99. Because I see the world differently since I've known you.
100. Because... I JUST DO
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! ^_^
01. For being patient with me.
02. For being the most honest person that I know.
03. For your love.
04. For making me feel comfortable around you.
05. For being true to yourself.
06. For being my early morning buddy.
07. For caring for me when I am sick.
08. For putting up with all my weirdness.
09. For being the sweetest person that I know.
10. For your comforting hugs.
11. For holding my hand.
12. For making me laugh.
13. For being the corniest, yet the funniest person that I know.
14. For being my greatest blessing.
15. For accepting me and everything that I am.
16. For sharing your life with me.
17. For allowing me to share my life with you.
18. For sharing your dreams with me.
19. For holding me when I cry.
20. For letting me pour out everything to you.
21. For listening to me when I need to rant.
22. For listening to me when I just need to talk.
23. For being there for me.
24. For understanding everything that I am.
25. For everything that you are.
26. For cheering me up when I'm all bummed out.
27. For assuring me that everything will be okay.
28. For standing with me in the rain.
29. For gazing at the stars with me.
30. For the adventurous person that you are.
31. For watching TV with me, even when you're already tired and sleepy.
32. For the little things that you do.
33. For never doubting me.
34. For being an angel.
35. For always being true to your words.
36. For the special things you do for me.
37. For treating me well.
38. For the inquisitive person that you are.
39. For being great at turning your feelings into the music which you play.
40. For keeping me warm when I'm cold.
41. Because you make me smile.
42. Because you make me happy.
43. Because you make me feel complete with you.
44. Because you make me want no-one else in the world.
45. Because you make me feel special.
46. Because I can tell you everything.
47. Because you sing to me!
48. Because you dance for me too!
49. Because you're my life's inspiration.
50. Because you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.
51. Because you know me better than anybody else.
52. Because you make my life wonderful by being part of it.
53. Because you keep me sane.
54. Because you give me a reason to anticipate waking up every morning.
55. Because you taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
56. Because you never fail to brighten up my day.
57. Because you make me feel good about myself.
58. Because you make me proud of myself.
59. Because you make me proud of being yours.
60. Because you're everything I ever hoped for... And more.
61. Because you add colour to my life.
62. Because you allow me to just be myself.
63. Because you make it so easy to love you.
64. Because you always know exactly what to say.
65. Because you make me laugh when I want to cry.
66. Because you help me understand myself better.
67. Because you take good care of me.
68. Because you make me smile every time my phone beeps.
69. Because even if you say that you're not perfect, to me, you still are.
70. Because you were definitely worth the wait.
71. Because you're the best musician in the whole wide world!
72. Because you make me feel important.
73. Because you make me feel loved.
74. Because you bring out the best in me.
75. Because with you, everything is just perfect.
76. Because you believe in me.
77. Because there's no reason not to.
78. Because you always manage to plaster a silly smile on my face.
79. Because you always listen, even when I'm disappointed and angry.
80. Because you understand my feelings, no matter how selfish or wrong they are.
81. Because you can actually put up with my occasional emotional outbursts.
82. Because you always find time for me, even when you're busy.
83. Because my entire being's telling me that I do.
84. Because even when I'm all moody, you still manage to make me laugh.
85. Because you give great back massages.
86. Because you teach me so many things about life.
87. Because you make me feel contented with myself and my life.
88. Because I'm at my happiest when I'm with you.
89. Because you make me look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
90. Because you're the father of our gorgeous daughter.
91. Because you see a beauty in me that I fail to see myself.
92. Because you're brilliant!
93. Because You saw me for me, not my bank account.
94. Because no matter how crappy I feel, you always tell me I look beautiful.
95. Because you're intelligent.
96. Because I love playing with your hair.
97. Because we can talk from dusk 'till dawn and the conversation never gets stale.
98. Because you accepted my beliefs without question.
99. Because I see the world differently since I've known you.
100. Because... I JUST DO
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! ^_^
Sunday, 10 July 2011
101 ways to annoy people
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 9999 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car wind shield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your friend/room mate/spouse that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your friend/room mate/spouse to apologise to the camel.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal voice.
32. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Listen to Cheryl Cole.
37. Produce a rental video/DVD consisting entirely of dire copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Tell people you can see their aura.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
60. Wear a Santa suit...in June.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other people
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Add "Aa" and "Aaaaa" to your forename and surname respectively for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne/perfume.
87. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off.
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Then mutter something
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 9999 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car wind shield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your friend/room mate/spouse that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your friend/room mate/spouse to apologise to the camel.
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophecy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal voice.
32. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Listen to Cheryl Cole.
37. Produce a rental video/DVD consisting entirely of dire copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Tell people you can see their aura.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
60. Wear a Santa suit...in June.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other people
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Add "Aa" and "Aaaaa" to your forename and surname respectively for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne/perfume.
87. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off.
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Then mutter something
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Monday, 4 July 2011
50 reasons why Britain is better than America
Firstly, I know I'm Australian BUT as a British citizen and a citizen of Australia, A British commonwealth (Yeah, dual citizenship baby) I feel I can call myself "British" (At least for the sake of this post)
Secondly, yes, I know I hate the term as do many, many others BUT I'm not just encompassing the English with this post so I use the term "British"
1 - Britain has a "Great" in front of its name, America doesn't.
2 - Monty Python
3 - British comedy, not only is it generally funnier, but it doesn't suffer from the curse of overly sentimental mushy gushy moralistic endings and characters
4 - You can't get a decent cup of tea in America
5 - The Full English Breakfast, 'nuff said
6 - Britons have a greater grasp of sarcasm, irony and self-deprecating humour
7 - Shakespeare
8 - America as it is wouldn't even exist if it weren't for Britain
9 - Patrick Moore
10 - London, with all its shoe-shines and delightfully cheeky cockney chimney-sweeps
11 - Bowler hats
12 - The phrase “that's just not cricket!”
13 - The traditional British pub
14 - The unpredictable weather, which keeps things interesting
15 - Every great villain in anything ever has been British
16 - Winston Churchill
17 - Driving on the right side of the road, by which I mean the left
18 - The Loch Ness monster
19 - Britain has, alongside the amazingly awesome English, the lovable Irishmen, Welshmen with…their... Err sheep, and... The Scots
20 - Ale
21 - The British have a stiffer upper lip
22 - Britain produces wonderful loonies (see no. 9)
23 - Americans have their oh so old great monuments, most of which my house is older than
24 - Hobbits
25 - The British have cooler accents
26 - No matter how hard the Americans try, we'll always hate France more
27 - Britain once had a glorious empire, whereas America is still trying to acquire one
28 - James Bond
29 - The monarchy, love 'em or loathe 'em at least we have one to love and loathe
30 - The fact that the British beat back the insidious Hun. Twice.
31 - Black pudding and jellied eels
32 - The word "urchin"
33 - The convoluted British legal system
34 - Police truncheons (invented by Sir Henry Truncheon in 1762)
35 - Sherlock Holmes
36 - British engineering, the best in the world
37 - We can pronounce simple words like "aluminium"
38 - Monocles (see no. 9)
39 - The British national Anthem "God Save The Queen"... "Our country tis of thee" is basically the same song with different words... Robbing fuckers
40 - British words, especially curse-words, e.g. arse, wank, bugger, codswallop, poppycock
41 - Dr. Who
42 - In Britain high treason is still punishable by hanging
43 - John Cleese
44 -Cheesy BBC sci-fi shows, always a good thing
45 - We're not so lazy that we feel the need to drive when going round our neighbours house
46 - Greenwich mean time, the basis of the world’s time, is situated in Britain
47 - We have our place names, rather than stealing others and putting "New" in front of them
48 - Wallace and Gromit
49 - Freddie Mercury
50 - Me ^_^
Secondly, yes, I know I hate the term as do many, many others BUT I'm not just encompassing the English with this post so I use the term "British"
1 - Britain has a "Great" in front of its name, America doesn't.
2 - Monty Python
3 - British comedy, not only is it generally funnier, but it doesn't suffer from the curse of overly sentimental mushy gushy moralistic endings and characters
4 - You can't get a decent cup of tea in America
5 - The Full English Breakfast, 'nuff said
6 - Britons have a greater grasp of sarcasm, irony and self-deprecating humour
7 - Shakespeare
8 - America as it is wouldn't even exist if it weren't for Britain
9 - Patrick Moore
10 - London, with all its shoe-shines and delightfully cheeky cockney chimney-sweeps
11 - Bowler hats
12 - The phrase “that's just not cricket!”
13 - The traditional British pub
14 - The unpredictable weather, which keeps things interesting
15 - Every great villain in anything ever has been British
16 - Winston Churchill
17 - Driving on the right side of the road, by which I mean the left
18 - The Loch Ness monster
19 - Britain has, alongside the amazingly awesome English, the lovable Irishmen, Welshmen with…their... Err sheep, and... The Scots
20 - Ale
21 - The British have a stiffer upper lip
22 - Britain produces wonderful loonies (see no. 9)
23 - Americans have their oh so old great monuments, most of which my house is older than
24 - Hobbits
25 - The British have cooler accents
26 - No matter how hard the Americans try, we'll always hate France more
27 - Britain once had a glorious empire, whereas America is still trying to acquire one
28 - James Bond
29 - The monarchy, love 'em or loathe 'em at least we have one to love and loathe
30 - The fact that the British beat back the insidious Hun. Twice.
31 - Black pudding and jellied eels
32 - The word "urchin"
33 - The convoluted British legal system
34 - Police truncheons (invented by Sir Henry Truncheon in 1762)
35 - Sherlock Holmes
36 - British engineering, the best in the world
37 - We can pronounce simple words like "aluminium"
38 - Monocles (see no. 9)
39 - The British national Anthem "God Save The Queen"... "Our country tis of thee" is basically the same song with different words... Robbing fuckers
40 - British words, especially curse-words, e.g. arse, wank, bugger, codswallop, poppycock
41 - Dr. Who
42 - In Britain high treason is still punishable by hanging
43 - John Cleese
44 -Cheesy BBC sci-fi shows, always a good thing
45 - We're not so lazy that we feel the need to drive when going round our neighbours house
46 - Greenwich mean time, the basis of the world’s time, is situated in Britain
47 - We have our place names, rather than stealing others and putting "New" in front of them
48 - Wallace and Gromit
49 - Freddie Mercury
50 - Me ^_^
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