10. "Oh, you're a gamer? Could I get you to dress up as Chun Li for me?" Hmm. Probably not, random guy I have never met before. Probably not.
9. "I went easy on you"/"I let you win." Just keep telling yourself that.
8. "No, you wouldn't like this game. It's all bloody and gory." Yes, and my tiny girl brain would not be able to handle anything that's not pink and glittery.
7. "You still play video games? What are you, 14?" If you're not down with gaming, fine. Whatever floats your boat, but no need to be rude. I don't judge your fantasy football league and affinity for "Girls Gone Wild."
6. "So 'X' -- that's the little blue button -- is jump." Gee, thanks, mister! Am I even holding this controller right-side-up?
Keep reading for the top five things you should never say to a gamer girl.
5. "Wanna play with my joystick?" Nice. Very original. Just as original as the guy who said it four minutes ago. Gaming pickup lines are almost always a fail. Inviting a gamer girl to co-op in "Gears of War 2" is surely a better way to win her over.
4. "Wow. I can't believe you actually beat me." Sorry 'bout that. Maybe the game cheated? A congratulations, however bitter, and a challenge of a rematch would have been a better way to play this scenario.
3. "You play video games? What, like 'Wii Fit' and 'Wii Tennis'?" Nothing against the Wii (sorry, I'm just not a fan) and casual gaming in general, but if someone is telling you they're a "gamer," these are probably not their games of choice.
2. "What's your gamertag? I bet I could kick your ass." See, there is a better way to go about this, with a similar line. Something like, "What's your gamertag? We should co-op sometime," would be so much more acceptable.
1. "You're not bad ... for a girl." The "not bad" part would have been sufficient. Said with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk would even be quite endearing. But that "for a girl" kills it, fella.
Article credit goes to Emily McCombs from Asylum.com
full article can be found here
http://www.asylum.com/2009/11/18/10-things-you-should-never-say-to-a-gamer-girl
Thursday, 25 February 2010
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
GRRR, Damn air pump!
I bought one for the sake of my dearest fishys and now all I can hear is "Brrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrr rrrrrrrr rrrrrrr" and this is a quiet one! But luckily I can turn it off at night! *wink* It's nice to see the fish jumping around in the bubbles though, might get one for my bath and see if I can jacuzzi-fy it.
When the tank finishes cycling and the water clears I'll be a happy woman.
When the tank finishes cycling and the water clears I'll be a happy woman.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Random ranting
I love to rant on about stuff, it doesn't really matter what about but it is awfully nice to complain like hell about something totally irrelevant, wouldn't you agree?
Now thse very very VERY few who actually read this will probably think this entry is somewhat pointless, and yes, I'll admit it... it is, no structure, no real direction, just me going on and on and on and on and so on and so forth until I feel like stopping.
First up... Jury service, what a pile of steaming horse crap, Monday all I did was sit in a room for two and a half hours until my name was called (purely at random) then I and 13 others got to sit in another room for half an hour while the court people got ready, then I got to sit on a bench in the courtroom for a bit while they selected 12 people at random from the 14 they previously picked, I was one of the few picked to be on the Jury... so I then got to sit in an uncomfy chair for the rest of the day slowly feeling my ass go numb...
It could be worse I guess, I could have been sent back out into the private Jurors room to wait for god knows how long to see if another case would come up and wether or not I'd be selected... which could be hours, days, or the full two weeks service.
But when I think about it, thats not such a bad thing, in the private jurors room, the chairs are comfy, I can get up and walk around, theres a canteen, they have books, games, TV... I could even bring in my own entertainment... if I was stuck in the private jurors room, I may have actually gotten round to playing Assassins Creed: Bloodline on the PSP.
There is one good thing about it though, its in Leeds, a bit of a drive out, a bigger drive back because of traffic, but my daddy works in Leeds so its nice to be able to have lunch with him.
The thing I don't like about Leeds though is if you look different from the stuck up business suit wearing type assholes they have walking around all the time, you're looked at like a leper... no, it isn't leprosy, it's a baby, I'm pregnant, do you not have pregnant people in Leeds? Surely you must? and then there are the people who take notice of my condition, I had 15 people today, both in court and in the town rub my belly and talk to me like they knew me, one was even the court usher.
GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY TUMMY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN! jeez, why do certain people feel the sudden impulse to harass the pregnant girl? leave me alone... please! if I wanted people to touch my tum, I'd go home and let my husband do it.
Ugh, but friggin Jury service, its surprising at how much doing nothing knackers you out, well I do doodle on the notepaper we're given, but still, when I get home I'm bushed, and all I want to do is write Faerie-Tale, but can't... because I'm too tired, from doing nothing... roll on the weekend!
Now thse very very VERY few who actually read this will probably think this entry is somewhat pointless, and yes, I'll admit it... it is, no structure, no real direction, just me going on and on and on and on and so on and so forth until I feel like stopping.
First up... Jury service, what a pile of steaming horse crap, Monday all I did was sit in a room for two and a half hours until my name was called (purely at random) then I and 13 others got to sit in another room for half an hour while the court people got ready, then I got to sit on a bench in the courtroom for a bit while they selected 12 people at random from the 14 they previously picked, I was one of the few picked to be on the Jury... so I then got to sit in an uncomfy chair for the rest of the day slowly feeling my ass go numb...
It could be worse I guess, I could have been sent back out into the private Jurors room to wait for god knows how long to see if another case would come up and wether or not I'd be selected... which could be hours, days, or the full two weeks service.
But when I think about it, thats not such a bad thing, in the private jurors room, the chairs are comfy, I can get up and walk around, theres a canteen, they have books, games, TV... I could even bring in my own entertainment... if I was stuck in the private jurors room, I may have actually gotten round to playing Assassins Creed: Bloodline on the PSP.
There is one good thing about it though, its in Leeds, a bit of a drive out, a bigger drive back because of traffic, but my daddy works in Leeds so its nice to be able to have lunch with him.
The thing I don't like about Leeds though is if you look different from the stuck up business suit wearing type assholes they have walking around all the time, you're looked at like a leper... no, it isn't leprosy, it's a baby, I'm pregnant, do you not have pregnant people in Leeds? Surely you must? and then there are the people who take notice of my condition, I had 15 people today, both in court and in the town rub my belly and talk to me like they knew me, one was even the court usher.
GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY TUMMY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'VE BEEN! jeez, why do certain people feel the sudden impulse to harass the pregnant girl? leave me alone... please! if I wanted people to touch my tum, I'd go home and let my husband do it.
Ugh, but friggin Jury service, its surprising at how much doing nothing knackers you out, well I do doodle on the notepaper we're given, but still, when I get home I'm bushed, and all I want to do is write Faerie-Tale, but can't... because I'm too tired, from doing nothing... roll on the weekend!
Friday, 12 February 2010
Precious Memories
Well, this one actually comes from a conversation I had with my good friend Lady J yesterday, amongst the varying random conversations (Including how she thinks my dad is hot... ick) she asked me how long me and my husband had been together.
Of course I actually knew, it'll be 6 years on March 12th at 6:44pm, but then I asked the question "Do you think I'd still remember that in 50 years?"
Since then, I sat pondering that question in my mind all night, was I really asking for her opinion, or was I actually just asking myself, either way I decided that with the magic of the internet, I shall remember by actually telling you all of that magical day we became an official couple, along with the rest of my life's story... Just for the sake of preserving my own precious memories in the years to come should my mind begin to fail me.
It's for my benefit, but feel free to read along anyway.
Now then, my story begins like any other... at the beginning.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was... wait... hold on... I didn't mean that far at the beginning... just bear with me a second.
Right.
Where does one even start with such things anyway? Guess I’ll pick out the most significant parts of my life and rattle on about them… starting with my origin, first memory (aww) and then lead it up to present day.
I was born Esmerelda Lucy Irvine, but it wasn’t always going to be that way, my family on my mothers side has a strange tradition of the middle name beginning with an E, I was almost born Stephanie Esmerelda Irvine, which then became Lucy Esmerelda Irvine, but my mother loved Esmerelda so much my names were swapped and here I am, the tradition breaker, as you shall see.
Denise Eleanor Irvine (nee Taylor), Lillian Elizabeth Irvine-Leigh (as is now her married name) Kari-Alice Emily Irvine, Esmerelda Lucy Rhodes (nee Irvine) and finally Jessica Elise Irvine… even though she's not of my mothers bloodline, I find it sweet that my father continued the (broken) tradition through her.
Well, I must say that my first memory would be that of my 3rd birthday, I don't really remember much about it though, I remember getting a fairy princess costume (which may actually explain a lot) and that I had (what seemed to be at the time) a really big cake with pink icing on top and that afterwards the whole family went down to the park for ice-cream.
It was extremely pleasant from what I remember, a nice bright sunny day, Lillian, Kari and myself all played around in the fountain and had fun, my mum & dad seemed happy too, I’ve never ever seen him smile the way he did when he was with my mum… and it breaks my heart every time I think about it all and how much he must miss her.
Now we didn’t have much money then, daddy had been working as a stockbroker for a few years, but wasn’t in a position that allowed much revenue, but he always made ends meet and put food on the table and bought my sisters and I toys and other stuff, which now when I look back at it, am quite grateful for.
My mother on the other hand was your typical super-mum (or she was in my eyes) always cooking, cleaning, smiling and there to kiss my boo-boos better, you would never believe she was Ill.
I didn’t really notice her alcoholism either (as at that age wasn't privy to such knowledge) but not once did I see a change in her demeanour, she was still the bestest most caring mother in the world, always tucked me in at night and read me bed-time stories and checked under my bed for monsters.
I think the other two most significant memories I have would be finding the ‘gator in our pool (it wasn’t ours, we shared with our neighbour, ‘cause us Aussies are friendly chappies) and I remember that when I saw it, I screamed because I thought it was a monster wanting to eat us all and my mother kept me, Lillian and Kari-Alice amused in the family room playing monopoly (I was on mom’s team coz I was only little and didn't really understand how to play) until animal control came for it.
After that, would be The Little Mermaid, it had just come out on VHS (how archaic) and we all watched it together, and I sat in my mothers lap all throughout while she played with my hair, which I totally loved… I ended up watching The Little Mermaid like everyday for a year after that and drove everyone mad doing so lol.
Well, school came round eventually at some point and it was quite fun, I enjoyed it and made some good friends including a girl called Sue Nguyen (who would remain a good friend of mine even to this day)… Sue eventually got a baby brother when I was about 9 and when he was learning to talk pronounced her name as “Shmoo”… I never called her by her real name afterwards.
Me and Shmoo had a tight bond and did everything together, from colouring in to sleepovers, we were damn near inseparable and in my mind, was the best life ever.
Then came that fateful day…Thursday May 15th 1993, I was sit in class at school being silly as you do and chatting with Shmoo… when I heard over the school P.A for me, Kari and Lillian to go to the headmistresses office (the school took you from the ages of 4 to 18 without having to transfer to middle/high school because they were all housed in the same school, just segmented)
When we arrived, there were 2 police officers, male and female, the female looked at the 3 of us and her face dropped, I remember it clearly, she wasn’t any older than I am now and to know what had gone on and that these 3 girls would have to cope with it all…
Anyway, we were told, Lilli and Kari cried, as you would, but I had no concept of death, I didn’t know what dead meant and nobody… not one fucking person explained it to me, for a week I saw my whole family in a state I wish I could erase from my mind, I didn't understand any of it, but I was depressed as hell because the atmosphere was depressing as hell.
What upset me most was that for that week we were in a hotel while the house was inspected, cleaned up etc so I didn't have my toys, I had to make to with my colouring book and my crayons.
All that week I wondered where mum was, but never really questioned it until the funeral.
It was a bright day, sunny, yet slightly cold… the whole family was stood around a hole in the ground, and as I held my big sisters hand, I asked her “Where's mummy” to which I got the reply “Mummies dead, which means she's never coming back”… how much of a burden was it for Lillian to have to sit there and explain to her sister what death was? I can't even begin to comprehend how tough it must have been for her, I just remember crying after it all sank in after I'd asked all my questions, and I just squeezed Lillian's hand as tight as I could, I remember her squeezing back, and I could never thank her enough for that.
But for the next few months the atmosphere around the house was… well, unpleasant, my dad was incredibly stressed from work, he was now working 7 days a week as much as possible to keep us from bankruptcy, though at the time I didn't know this.
My mother had been a gambler, horse racing was her vice and she knew that coupled with her illness and alcoholism it was tearing the family apart.
What amazes me is that she found an insurance company dumb enough to not have it in written text that they don’t pay out on suicides and because of this, actually paid up, the money from her insurance was substantial enough to keep us from going under but not enough as she pre-planned for most of it to go to my sisters and I, and pay off most of her gambling debts… which I guess was a nice gesture, but I'd rather it went to my father, although I am grateful for it now.
But getting back to where I was, the atmosphere was unpleasant and I couldn't comprehend why she would want to take her own life, I thought it was my fault, I thought she didn't love us… love me, I thought I had done something wrong, that because I was the youngest had somehow ruined her life with my birth… my poem “Dear Mother” is a reflection on this and adapted from things I actually wrote after her passing.
As the years rolled on we had all taken up various roles in the house, my father worked and was climbing the ranks as a stock broker earning more money, Lillian was took up the mantle as the maternal figure, Kari was still Kari, she tried to help but didn't seem to do much and I tried to help Lillian as much as possible, I helped her cook, clean, wash etc… and it became a normal routine.
When I was 8, whilst cleaning I found the Book of Shadows that belonged to my mother, I had always known my mother was religious, but until that day always believed it to be a Christian religion, I was wrong, I read as much as I could within the book, it was quite old, some of it was text, other parts were hand written by people who had added things to it over the years, my mother, aunt, the priestess etc.
Looking at all these hand written notes though gave me a sense of how much these people cared for each other and how tightly knit they were so I called my aunt Christine and she came round and started explaining Wicca to me, about how the cycles worked, spell casting, potions, gatherings, the gods etc… it was confusing to me at first but I did eventually get the hang of it, but I was instantly hooked, from these teachings I realised how important tradition was to them (like the middle name of E in my family) and I believed almost everything because it seemed plausible.
With the whole God concept, he has a design and a plan for all of us, I could never understand that… why would such an omnipotent being take my mother from me in a way that would instantly damn her (suicide being a mortal sin etc)… Wicca told us that while the spirits and mother earth care for us and guide us, we make our own destiny in life, our own choices and should we make the wrong one… we shan't be punished for it.
When I was 9 ½ I joined the circle (coven) and aside from one other girl there (who I detested because she thought she was all that) was the youngest… but unlike that other girl, I was the youngest lineaged Wiccan… and our circle was quite big, around 20 members (considering the secrecy and select nature of who is let into the coven, it's pretty big)
School remained pretty constant throughout the years, me and Shmoo were still inseparable and I did try to get on with my life despite my mothers absence, but found it hard, luckily for me, Shmoo understood and like my sisters was always there for me.
My 10th birthday rolled around… I was now in double figures with my age, A practising witch and aside from Shmoo, a friendless recluse, she celebrated my birthday with me, but I felt empty and dead inside… it was a milestone in my life, an achievement, but the person I wanted most to be there wasn't, but I visited her anyway.
My father was now successful and was raking in a few hundred thousand dollars a year and on an off chance won the lottery… he played every week just out of habit from the days we had almost nothing.
The total was around AUS $8’000’000, more than enough, he put 2 million each into separate bank accounts for me and my sisters and transferred our inheritance from our mother into the account, neither of us three could begin to touch the money until we were 21 which was wise, we still got an allowance, me and Kari got $25 a week and Lillian $50 seeing as she was older… out of 6 years of receiving that I got a total of $7800 (roughly) and out of it, I spent around $300.
As I got older, I started to learn what was going on with my mother and her financial debts and didn’t want to end up in the same predicament, so Lillian suggested I open a bank account of my own and each week put my allowance in so it would always be there when I needed it… and I did, smartest move I ever made, you'll find out way later.
Anyhoo, with all my dads new income and the lottery win, we decided to move, nothing fancy and garish, just another house like we had, we weren't posh, never were, never will be, but we all just felt we needed to escape from the ghosts of our memories, while we still lived there we couldn't move on because everything reminded us all of who we’d lost, it’s not a bad thing to remember her, but it wasn't something any of us wanted plaguing our mind constantly.
So we moved from Parramatta to Roseville (which is near Cammeray where Lillian now lives) and things seemed different, yet the same, I still attended Glaneaon school, still helped around the house, went to the circle gatherings, but it felt lighter, like there wasn't this sense of guilt with me any more… weird.
Things at school started to change though, people had begun to learn about my new found wealth and wanted in, I was suddenly popular, which actually frightened me, I've only ever had one good friend and a few people that I was comfortable talking with, but never really had a bond with… I'm shy by nature so this was a shock to me, I did hang out with them though, but it always felt false, but I like the attention and was blind to it at first, it wasn't until one of the girls (Sarah Palmer) asked me to buy her and her friends something rather expensive… I told her I didn’t have the money (And I didn't… ‘twas in the bank) and that's when it all changed, when I turned up to school the next day, instant outcast, all because of money.
No matter how much I tried to explain, it didn't help… from that point on I was teased constantly, picked on in class, but it was minor, I had my sisters to back me up and Shmoo by my side so I didn't totally loose it.
When I was 14, Shmoo broke the most devastating news to me that I had heard in years, her family was moving to Melbourne, I was crushed, she was my bestest friend in the whole known world and know she was being taken away from me.
Lillian had now left school too and so I was just left with Kari… who wasn't much help, she was too stuck in her own popular little world to help me, I envied her though, she always had lots of friends as did Lillian, and none of them cared of their wealth or status, I just had Shmoo and now she was gone.
Things in school got gradually worse, I was tormented, teased, spat at (of all the disgusting things!) beaten up, glasses broken (yes I used to wear them) things stolen out of my locker on a regular basis… you name it.
I did my best to keep my head down and off radar, sat at the front of the class, never spoke, wore black to hide in the shadows of the corridors (even dyed my hair black) sat in the library during breaks and studied my ass off because it was the only escape I had.
At home things were just as bad, Lillian knew what was going on at school, but with her new job, home, engagement and responsibilities she couldn't help and so I sank into a pit of despair, I sat in my room listening to meta, playing video games on an obsessively regular basis l and read anything I could get my hands on.
Things at school got worse when people realised I practised the craft and that I was considerably smarter than they were, when word got out about my mother, that's when Kari lost her rag and started to stick up for me, it was short lived though as someone she started a fight with on my behalf had an older sister, no matter how much Lillian and my father complained to the school, nothing got better, but that's kids for you, evil and vindictive, they got punished for being fuck-holes to me, then I suffered the backlash.
On top of this now I was trying to juggle caring for Lillian at home who had suffered a miscarriage as the result of a car-crash which almost took her left leg as well, her fiancé was a bastard and left her and feeling I owed her for all she had done for me over the years, decided to care for her.
Thoughts of suicide were racing through my mind on a constant basis from all the torment at school, I couldn't cope any more, I had took the blade to my wrists a few times and begun to push… but I couldn't do it, instead I drug it down my arm, feeling the serrated teeth tear my flesh and the warm blood flow from the wound was a totally amazing thing, fortunately it never turned into an addiction and I only did it a few times and the scars are extremely minimal and almost invisible unless you look closely.
But in January of 2003 my father luckily put a stop to it all, he had been offered a job in the London branch of the company he worked for, it was more money and it was away from my tormentors, he asked Kari, Lillian and I what we wanted, I instantly said to go for it, Kari wasn’t too fussy and Lillian was picking up her life again with a new bf and a new place to live… so we were moving to London.
As we we're getting all the documentation sorted out for our emigration, my dad noticed there was also a position in the Leeds branch, less money than London, but higher than here in Sydney, the cost of living was also cheaper and the surrounding areas were more scenic…
We finally moved at the beginning of March on 2003, almost 10yrs after my mothers passing, it was different and it was nice, but I didn't know anybody.
It felt much colder than I was used to so I stayed indoors a lot studying, I was always buying books from Amazon, but I did venture out occasionally to explore, Kari being the people person she is made friends almost instantly after getting a job at a pharmacy behind the counter.
Then one day in July, after being sick of being cooped up in the house, I went out for a walk alone, I arrived at a park and started thinking about things and as to how my life would turn out, ever the pessimist, it didn't look good.
But fate is a strange mistress, as I sat on the swings of the park crying my eyes out at being such a failure in life, I heard a voice to my left, I wiped my tears and looked up, standing there was quite possibly the scariest thing you could ever see, a goth, dressed head to toe in black, with a long leather trench coat, black eye-liner, raven black hair and a face that said “don't fuck with me” and her 6’ft 3” boyfriend with a heavy leather jacket, shoulder length hair, steel toe-capped boots and massive body frame.
But I wasn't scared though as through the image of this “depressing lifestyle” was a sense of warmth and honesty.
She revealed her name to be Serra and her bf as being “Damo” and asked me if I was ok and introduced her bf, they seemed really nice people and were amused by my accent, we walked around for a while, just talking, swapping stories… though nothing too revealing.
She was kind, and nice and really friendly and when it came to 11pm and she had to go in because her mother was a bit protective she asked me if I wanted to come out and hang around the next day, I instantly agreed and went home happy, I had a fwiend.
Now, for reasons I can't quite fathom, over the next few weeks I grew quite fond of my new friends bf, and I couldn't explain why, I'll admit it, even now he's quite unconventional looking, but something about his “caveman” image just struck me, that and the fact he was a really nice guy and treated Serra with respect.
I met all of Serra and Damo’s friends over time, Camilla (who changed her name to Kamilla = Kam), Fran (Dusty), Anna, Edwin, Angel etc and we all got along fine, for once I had the friends I'd always desired, honest, trustworthy, loyal… and most importantly, they liked me for me.
Me and Serra grew close as friends, always staying at each others houses etc, telling each other everything, we laughed, cried and stared in silence together, we had a bond that just transcended friendship, it was a sisterly bond and one that can't be broken.
As I learnt of her history, I realised that compared to what she had been through my life was nothing but petty problems, but I was grateful to have her in my life.
After a couple of months of knowing her, she and Damo spilt up on a mutual basis, the were both at college and needed to focus (well she did, he just arsed around) and her violent temperament was too much for him to handle any more (thankfully she's calmed down somewhat) but they remained good friends, they didn't see the point in hating each other, they put the past behind them like adults and instead looked towards their prospective futures.
Now I know it was and is wrong, but I really like him, only problem is, he was my best friends ex, I told her I like him and she said she didn't mind because if anybody deserved a stable relationship, it should be me (aww, love her) but it still felt wrong.
We all hung around and had a laugh, and I was beginning to think that Damo quite liked me too… but I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have done anything anyway if he did, I wouldn't know what to do.
But one night, my dad and Kari were out, and I had a bit of a party at my house, nothing got smashed and they all behaved, but when it came to going to sleep, everyone had claimed my beds (at the time I had bunk beds, the lower bunk folded into a couch) so me and Damo were left to sleep in the spare room, which at the time was just a double mattress on the floor… I still wonder if this was planned by everyone though to push us together… either way, for reasons I can't figure out, during the night I woke up and wanted one of the bottles of water I had brought up, which meant I had to climb over this beast of a man while half drunk to get it, so I did, had my drink, then I just knelt there… looking at him for ages in the moonlight (too drunk to close the curtains) then he scared the shit out of me by opening his eyes real fast and sitting up.
He pulled me back down onto the mattress and I rested my head on his shoulder, and his head turned to face me… then I felt his lips against mine… my first kiss (eek), my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn't know quite what to do, but just went with what felt right, after a few minutes, we just both fell asleep curled up to each other only to be woken up the next morning by cheering… gits.
Over the course of the next few weeks, me and the yeti saw more of each other on our own, but neither of us spoke of what happened that night out of embarrassment, then that fateful day came when we officially became a couple.
I started my day like any other, getting up around 9 am (yeah... it's one of those stories) get up, brush my teeth, brush my hair and then get dressed (en suite bathroom) and the day was going well so far (In other words I hadn't slipped on the lino floor in the bathroom and knocked my teeth out on the sink... and the fact it was a quite warm Friday helped to).
Me and Damo (We didn't call him the yeti then, his hair was too shrt and he didn't have a beard) had been hanging around together, by ourselves an awful lot (not that I'm complaining, I'd like him since the first time I saw him back in July '03... by now I was totally in love with him but was scared to reveal my true emotions) and we'd grown pretty close, we acted like a teenage couple but without the intimacy and romance and people could see it coming a mile away... I used to lay on the couch in my bedroom (yes, I'm that posh) listening to Emilie Autumns Enchant album just wishing... wishing it were true.
Anyway, we met up at our normal meeting place at about 10:30am, it was a halfway point as he lived in the next town over, it was a wooden bench at a crossroads with a pub just over the road from it, it was actually a fairly warm day meaning I just needed to wear a light jacket and not my big heavy trench-coat (I was still a goth/metalhead back then, and on that particular day I wore my sleeveless Marylin Manson shirt, Worn denim skirt, fishnet stockings, knee length boots ((flat soled)) spiked bracelets, black lace netted gloves, biker jacket and a black skull bandanna)
So after we met up, because it was pretty warm outside, we went to go and chill in the local park for a bit, it was nice just laying on the grass and watching the world go by whilst we smoked more cigs than we could ever imagine.
We chatted about all kinds of things there, humorous things though like what we'd do if we had a time machine, where we'd hide out in the event of a zombie apocalypse... and then we got onto talking about theories on how the earth was created and how it will die... I now know the answers to both questions but thats another story.
Anyway, the hours passed by and before we knew it, it was like 2pm so we went up to the Golden Fish, fish 'n' chip shop for some food (which he kindly paid for), and we ate it outside on the benches they had, it was cool because there are traffic lights nearby so its funny to sit and watch people waiting in their cars doing a variety of odd things. picking their nose like nobodies watching, singing away to music, checking their hair in the mirror, impatiently tapping against the steering wheel with both hands (I must admit, I've found myself doing this quite often).
Well, we finished our lunch and decided to go to his place and watch a film... it was about 35 mins walk up to his house, but because he lived with his friends, it was quite the mess and he hated it as they couldn't keep it clean (his bedroom was the cleanest room... it was quite unbelievable) so we took a slow walk, just enjoying the sun because its rare to have it so nice and warm in March.
Again we talked about all sorts of crap and messed about, pushing each other etc, you know... the things you do when you're both into each other but too afraid to say anything... it's quite sweet though really as because even know when we walk hand in hand., there are still times we'll try and push each other into the middle of the road or share that extra special long kiss down a back alley when you assume nobodies watching.
Back to the story though.
We reached his house at about half past 3 and headed straight to the bedroom to avoid his friends and the messy house and I chillaxed nicely on his bead whilst he sat in a chair at the opposite end of the room by the window, this disheartened me somewhat as I knew we'd end up putting a film on while it played I could have edged myself ever closer to him and hope to god he'd put his arm around me... but he didn't, he stayed sat by the window.
After about half an hour of chatting and deciding what to watch, we eventually settled on Shrek, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but all the while I was watching it I kept noticing him look at me (well we did natter throughout the film, but at the [parts when we didn't talk) and knowing he was looking at me made me feel all warm, bubbly and giddy inside, it was great... but it was also torture as I just wanted nothing more than for him to be cuddled up next to me.
Well the film finished at about 5pm and with nothing to do, we put some music on, it was Aerosmiths Permanent Vacation album first and Damo sat on the bed next t me... my heart fluttered, it was crazy intense, and we chatted some more, then played what we call "The paper game" which is where one of use gets a ball of scrunched up paper and holds it tightly in their hand and the other has to retrieve it... I loved it! the physical, skin on skin contact and them moments where our faces, our lips were so close to touching... but nothing happened (even though we had previously kissed before, one time we were drunk as hell and we both felt awkward as hell the morning after, the other than that, he'd only kissed my cheek after walking me home once, but even that was enough to put me on cloud 9.
The Aerosmith CD finished and we put on Bon Jovi's Crush album, it played through once, and then on the second play through, he put it on shuffle.
Well the song Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen from Mars came on, and he sat there silently as I sang along to the song, near the songs end, I looked at the clock on my phone (Nokia 8310) and it had just turned 6:44pm, then as the song was finishing he looked at me and said "Can I ask you a question?" to which I replied "Yes"
"Will you go out with me?"
I looked at him stunned for a split second, that question had never been asked t me before, my heart raced and all I could do was splutter out "What Huh? Erm... Yeah"
Then when I realised what had just happened I choked on my own saliva as I swallowed... he just sat there smiling... it took a few seconds for it to sink in, but once it did I just sat there wondering what t do next, then the sng changed, to our song, She's a Mystery... The most beautiful song ever written.
After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, he came over and hugged me tight and then kissed me, it truly was a magical feeling, my first boyfriend, my first proper kiss, I loved every second of it.
After than however we just laid on the bed, I leant my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arm across his waist and we just talked, until the both of us drifted off to sleep.
We woke up again at about 7:30 and the sun was setting nicely, the navy blue sky merged beautifully with the pink and orange traces the sun left and I walked over to the window to look at it a bit better, after a few seconds I felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist as he held me, I was so happy I could have cried!
After that however, I decided it would be best if I went home, I'd been out since 10am and my daddy has/had a tendency to worry about me, especially if I was with boys lol.
So like a proper gentlemen he walked me home (it was an hour from his place to mine, and then he had to walk back again) and we walked happily hand in hand, you have no idea at how much my heart was pounding, how happy I truly was... all my friends had had boyfriends and girlfriends, but not me... I was 17 and still single, only wanting that one special person, and on that magic day, I got him!
We reached my house at about 9pm after a slow walk, just enjoying it, and while at my doorstep, he hugged me tight and kissed me so passionately I literally melted in his arms... it was pure magic!!
It was sad though, as I didn't want to leave him, to have to wait over 12 hours until I could see him again, but I was happy though, it was awesome!. Awesome and sad lol
Serra found out instantly as I texted her once I was inside to see if she was cool with it, which surprisingly, she was and I was the happiest girl in the world
A couple of years later (nearly 3) came my first sexual experience… ever, I won't go into detail about it, but it was the most magical night ever, he had been with me so long, never talked about it, mentioned it, tried to touch me or anything and I truly loved him, he was staying at mine that night as dad was out (little did I know it was with Julie… uh) and things just happened… and I don't regret it.
A few weeks later, my dad introduced Julie to the family and that she was going to move in… I wasn't happy, from minute one we never got one!
Within a few months they were married, no big ceremony, just a registry job, but I always felt that she resented me, to the point where I broke her nose after she kicked me out of the house.
Two weeks later I was allowed back in and realised that she had just been wanting rid of me while she moved me into the attic, a bedroom with the floor span of the entire house? OOOOH YESH!!!
The night before new years eve in 2007, I got asked a question I'll never forget, “Will you marry me?” I accepted, but the celebration was short lived as Kari came home that night battered and bruised after her boyfriend at the time battered her after she confronted him for cheating on her.
Damo is the kind of guy who hates guys who hit women no matter the reason (so if he ever came to Utah and met your ex… your ex wouldn't be chewing his food for a while) and rode out on his bike, alone to confront Kari’s now ex and came back covered in blood, but didn't have a scratch on him aside from his knuckles… but this didn't halt the celebration of our engagement too much as Kari was able to down a few, the only problem was keeping her hidden from dad until her wounds healed (if he found out, he’d have her shackled up never to leave the house again for her own protection, Julie knew however and understood)
The wedding preparations were rushed as I knew there was only one date I could have and didn't want to wait until 2009, the 21st June, first day of the summer solstice, but it also happens to be Serra’s birthday, but she didn't mind sharing as she knew it meant so much to me, the handfast (lets be proper with our Wiccan words) was beautiful and I was able to fly, Shmoo and my priestess from the circle I belonged to, as well as the rest of my family out, it began to rain lightly at the end to which the priestess replied “even mother earth cries on such a joyous occasion”
During all this I had begun to start a project, it was one I never thought I'd complete but thought I'd try anyway, a book about a Faerie Princess, I'd been outlining it and planning it for a while, but it wasn't until August that I actually began writing it… that project is still being worked on today…
After I moved into my new home (which is across the street from my old one) I grew bored quickly, it was the end of July and Kari had quit her job at the pharmacy a few months prior and was looking for something new, I was painting her nails for her when she suggested that we should do it as a business, so we started looking into it, applying for permits and all sorts of other crap to open a salon, I attended training courses so I could manage it, we found the perfect place for it, but was still under lease for another two months even though it was an empty space so me and Kari paid the current leasers for the two months so we could start remodelling and on the 18th of September 2008, 5 points was born, though much work was still needed, it was there.
We opened up on the 3rd November 2008.
Well that's my life story up to November 2008,... I know, it's dull, but its my story and nobody forced you to read it so shut yer gob!
However, I do at some point intend to update it to fit in the events from 2008 until now, Though with having this blog and other events already catalogued, part of me feels it would be but a sheer waste of my time... Hmm
Until next time
Blessed Be
XxXxX
Of course I actually knew, it'll be 6 years on March 12th at 6:44pm, but then I asked the question "Do you think I'd still remember that in 50 years?"
Since then, I sat pondering that question in my mind all night, was I really asking for her opinion, or was I actually just asking myself, either way I decided that with the magic of the internet, I shall remember by actually telling you all of that magical day we became an official couple, along with the rest of my life's story... Just for the sake of preserving my own precious memories in the years to come should my mind begin to fail me.
It's for my benefit, but feel free to read along anyway.
Now then, my story begins like any other... at the beginning.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was... wait... hold on... I didn't mean that far at the beginning... just bear with me a second.
Right.
Where does one even start with such things anyway? Guess I’ll pick out the most significant parts of my life and rattle on about them… starting with my origin, first memory (aww) and then lead it up to present day.
I was born Esmerelda Lucy Irvine, but it wasn’t always going to be that way, my family on my mothers side has a strange tradition of the middle name beginning with an E, I was almost born Stephanie Esmerelda Irvine, which then became Lucy Esmerelda Irvine, but my mother loved Esmerelda so much my names were swapped and here I am, the tradition breaker, as you shall see.
Denise Eleanor Irvine (nee Taylor), Lillian Elizabeth Irvine-Leigh (as is now her married name) Kari-Alice Emily Irvine, Esmerelda Lucy Rhodes (nee Irvine) and finally Jessica Elise Irvine… even though she's not of my mothers bloodline, I find it sweet that my father continued the (broken) tradition through her.
Well, I must say that my first memory would be that of my 3rd birthday, I don't really remember much about it though, I remember getting a fairy princess costume (which may actually explain a lot) and that I had (what seemed to be at the time) a really big cake with pink icing on top and that afterwards the whole family went down to the park for ice-cream.
It was extremely pleasant from what I remember, a nice bright sunny day, Lillian, Kari and myself all played around in the fountain and had fun, my mum & dad seemed happy too, I’ve never ever seen him smile the way he did when he was with my mum… and it breaks my heart every time I think about it all and how much he must miss her.
Now we didn’t have much money then, daddy had been working as a stockbroker for a few years, but wasn’t in a position that allowed much revenue, but he always made ends meet and put food on the table and bought my sisters and I toys and other stuff, which now when I look back at it, am quite grateful for.
My mother on the other hand was your typical super-mum (or she was in my eyes) always cooking, cleaning, smiling and there to kiss my boo-boos better, you would never believe she was Ill.
I didn’t really notice her alcoholism either (as at that age wasn't privy to such knowledge) but not once did I see a change in her demeanour, she was still the bestest most caring mother in the world, always tucked me in at night and read me bed-time stories and checked under my bed for monsters.
I think the other two most significant memories I have would be finding the ‘gator in our pool (it wasn’t ours, we shared with our neighbour, ‘cause us Aussies are friendly chappies) and I remember that when I saw it, I screamed because I thought it was a monster wanting to eat us all and my mother kept me, Lillian and Kari-Alice amused in the family room playing monopoly (I was on mom’s team coz I was only little and didn't really understand how to play) until animal control came for it.
After that, would be The Little Mermaid, it had just come out on VHS (how archaic) and we all watched it together, and I sat in my mothers lap all throughout while she played with my hair, which I totally loved… I ended up watching The Little Mermaid like everyday for a year after that and drove everyone mad doing so lol.
Well, school came round eventually at some point and it was quite fun, I enjoyed it and made some good friends including a girl called Sue Nguyen (who would remain a good friend of mine even to this day)… Sue eventually got a baby brother when I was about 9 and when he was learning to talk pronounced her name as “Shmoo”… I never called her by her real name afterwards.
Me and Shmoo had a tight bond and did everything together, from colouring in to sleepovers, we were damn near inseparable and in my mind, was the best life ever.
Then came that fateful day…Thursday May 15th 1993, I was sit in class at school being silly as you do and chatting with Shmoo… when I heard over the school P.A for me, Kari and Lillian to go to the headmistresses office (the school took you from the ages of 4 to 18 without having to transfer to middle/high school because they were all housed in the same school, just segmented)
When we arrived, there were 2 police officers, male and female, the female looked at the 3 of us and her face dropped, I remember it clearly, she wasn’t any older than I am now and to know what had gone on and that these 3 girls would have to cope with it all…
Anyway, we were told, Lilli and Kari cried, as you would, but I had no concept of death, I didn’t know what dead meant and nobody… not one fucking person explained it to me, for a week I saw my whole family in a state I wish I could erase from my mind, I didn't understand any of it, but I was depressed as hell because the atmosphere was depressing as hell.
What upset me most was that for that week we were in a hotel while the house was inspected, cleaned up etc so I didn't have my toys, I had to make to with my colouring book and my crayons.
All that week I wondered where mum was, but never really questioned it until the funeral.
It was a bright day, sunny, yet slightly cold… the whole family was stood around a hole in the ground, and as I held my big sisters hand, I asked her “Where's mummy” to which I got the reply “Mummies dead, which means she's never coming back”… how much of a burden was it for Lillian to have to sit there and explain to her sister what death was? I can't even begin to comprehend how tough it must have been for her, I just remember crying after it all sank in after I'd asked all my questions, and I just squeezed Lillian's hand as tight as I could, I remember her squeezing back, and I could never thank her enough for that.
But for the next few months the atmosphere around the house was… well, unpleasant, my dad was incredibly stressed from work, he was now working 7 days a week as much as possible to keep us from bankruptcy, though at the time I didn't know this.
My mother had been a gambler, horse racing was her vice and she knew that coupled with her illness and alcoholism it was tearing the family apart.
What amazes me is that she found an insurance company dumb enough to not have it in written text that they don’t pay out on suicides and because of this, actually paid up, the money from her insurance was substantial enough to keep us from going under but not enough as she pre-planned for most of it to go to my sisters and I, and pay off most of her gambling debts… which I guess was a nice gesture, but I'd rather it went to my father, although I am grateful for it now.
But getting back to where I was, the atmosphere was unpleasant and I couldn't comprehend why she would want to take her own life, I thought it was my fault, I thought she didn't love us… love me, I thought I had done something wrong, that because I was the youngest had somehow ruined her life with my birth… my poem “Dear Mother” is a reflection on this and adapted from things I actually wrote after her passing.
As the years rolled on we had all taken up various roles in the house, my father worked and was climbing the ranks as a stock broker earning more money, Lillian was took up the mantle as the maternal figure, Kari was still Kari, she tried to help but didn't seem to do much and I tried to help Lillian as much as possible, I helped her cook, clean, wash etc… and it became a normal routine.
When I was 8, whilst cleaning I found the Book of Shadows that belonged to my mother, I had always known my mother was religious, but until that day always believed it to be a Christian religion, I was wrong, I read as much as I could within the book, it was quite old, some of it was text, other parts were hand written by people who had added things to it over the years, my mother, aunt, the priestess etc.
Looking at all these hand written notes though gave me a sense of how much these people cared for each other and how tightly knit they were so I called my aunt Christine and she came round and started explaining Wicca to me, about how the cycles worked, spell casting, potions, gatherings, the gods etc… it was confusing to me at first but I did eventually get the hang of it, but I was instantly hooked, from these teachings I realised how important tradition was to them (like the middle name of E in my family) and I believed almost everything because it seemed plausible.
With the whole God concept, he has a design and a plan for all of us, I could never understand that… why would such an omnipotent being take my mother from me in a way that would instantly damn her (suicide being a mortal sin etc)… Wicca told us that while the spirits and mother earth care for us and guide us, we make our own destiny in life, our own choices and should we make the wrong one… we shan't be punished for it.
When I was 9 ½ I joined the circle (coven) and aside from one other girl there (who I detested because she thought she was all that) was the youngest… but unlike that other girl, I was the youngest lineaged Wiccan… and our circle was quite big, around 20 members (considering the secrecy and select nature of who is let into the coven, it's pretty big)
School remained pretty constant throughout the years, me and Shmoo were still inseparable and I did try to get on with my life despite my mothers absence, but found it hard, luckily for me, Shmoo understood and like my sisters was always there for me.
My 10th birthday rolled around… I was now in double figures with my age, A practising witch and aside from Shmoo, a friendless recluse, she celebrated my birthday with me, but I felt empty and dead inside… it was a milestone in my life, an achievement, but the person I wanted most to be there wasn't, but I visited her anyway.
My father was now successful and was raking in a few hundred thousand dollars a year and on an off chance won the lottery… he played every week just out of habit from the days we had almost nothing.
The total was around AUS $8’000’000, more than enough, he put 2 million each into separate bank accounts for me and my sisters and transferred our inheritance from our mother into the account, neither of us three could begin to touch the money until we were 21 which was wise, we still got an allowance, me and Kari got $25 a week and Lillian $50 seeing as she was older… out of 6 years of receiving that I got a total of $7800 (roughly) and out of it, I spent around $300.
As I got older, I started to learn what was going on with my mother and her financial debts and didn’t want to end up in the same predicament, so Lillian suggested I open a bank account of my own and each week put my allowance in so it would always be there when I needed it… and I did, smartest move I ever made, you'll find out way later.
Anyhoo, with all my dads new income and the lottery win, we decided to move, nothing fancy and garish, just another house like we had, we weren't posh, never were, never will be, but we all just felt we needed to escape from the ghosts of our memories, while we still lived there we couldn't move on because everything reminded us all of who we’d lost, it’s not a bad thing to remember her, but it wasn't something any of us wanted plaguing our mind constantly.
So we moved from Parramatta to Roseville (which is near Cammeray where Lillian now lives) and things seemed different, yet the same, I still attended Glaneaon school, still helped around the house, went to the circle gatherings, but it felt lighter, like there wasn't this sense of guilt with me any more… weird.
Things at school started to change though, people had begun to learn about my new found wealth and wanted in, I was suddenly popular, which actually frightened me, I've only ever had one good friend and a few people that I was comfortable talking with, but never really had a bond with… I'm shy by nature so this was a shock to me, I did hang out with them though, but it always felt false, but I like the attention and was blind to it at first, it wasn't until one of the girls (Sarah Palmer) asked me to buy her and her friends something rather expensive… I told her I didn’t have the money (And I didn't… ‘twas in the bank) and that's when it all changed, when I turned up to school the next day, instant outcast, all because of money.
No matter how much I tried to explain, it didn't help… from that point on I was teased constantly, picked on in class, but it was minor, I had my sisters to back me up and Shmoo by my side so I didn't totally loose it.
When I was 14, Shmoo broke the most devastating news to me that I had heard in years, her family was moving to Melbourne, I was crushed, she was my bestest friend in the whole known world and know she was being taken away from me.
Lillian had now left school too and so I was just left with Kari… who wasn't much help, she was too stuck in her own popular little world to help me, I envied her though, she always had lots of friends as did Lillian, and none of them cared of their wealth or status, I just had Shmoo and now she was gone.
Things in school got gradually worse, I was tormented, teased, spat at (of all the disgusting things!) beaten up, glasses broken (yes I used to wear them) things stolen out of my locker on a regular basis… you name it.
I did my best to keep my head down and off radar, sat at the front of the class, never spoke, wore black to hide in the shadows of the corridors (even dyed my hair black) sat in the library during breaks and studied my ass off because it was the only escape I had.
At home things were just as bad, Lillian knew what was going on at school, but with her new job, home, engagement and responsibilities she couldn't help and so I sank into a pit of despair, I sat in my room listening to meta, playing video games on an obsessively regular basis l and read anything I could get my hands on.
Things at school got worse when people realised I practised the craft and that I was considerably smarter than they were, when word got out about my mother, that's when Kari lost her rag and started to stick up for me, it was short lived though as someone she started a fight with on my behalf had an older sister, no matter how much Lillian and my father complained to the school, nothing got better, but that's kids for you, evil and vindictive, they got punished for being fuck-holes to me, then I suffered the backlash.
On top of this now I was trying to juggle caring for Lillian at home who had suffered a miscarriage as the result of a car-crash which almost took her left leg as well, her fiancé was a bastard and left her and feeling I owed her for all she had done for me over the years, decided to care for her.
Thoughts of suicide were racing through my mind on a constant basis from all the torment at school, I couldn't cope any more, I had took the blade to my wrists a few times and begun to push… but I couldn't do it, instead I drug it down my arm, feeling the serrated teeth tear my flesh and the warm blood flow from the wound was a totally amazing thing, fortunately it never turned into an addiction and I only did it a few times and the scars are extremely minimal and almost invisible unless you look closely.
But in January of 2003 my father luckily put a stop to it all, he had been offered a job in the London branch of the company he worked for, it was more money and it was away from my tormentors, he asked Kari, Lillian and I what we wanted, I instantly said to go for it, Kari wasn’t too fussy and Lillian was picking up her life again with a new bf and a new place to live… so we were moving to London.
As we we're getting all the documentation sorted out for our emigration, my dad noticed there was also a position in the Leeds branch, less money than London, but higher than here in Sydney, the cost of living was also cheaper and the surrounding areas were more scenic…
We finally moved at the beginning of March on 2003, almost 10yrs after my mothers passing, it was different and it was nice, but I didn't know anybody.
It felt much colder than I was used to so I stayed indoors a lot studying, I was always buying books from Amazon, but I did venture out occasionally to explore, Kari being the people person she is made friends almost instantly after getting a job at a pharmacy behind the counter.
Then one day in July, after being sick of being cooped up in the house, I went out for a walk alone, I arrived at a park and started thinking about things and as to how my life would turn out, ever the pessimist, it didn't look good.
But fate is a strange mistress, as I sat on the swings of the park crying my eyes out at being such a failure in life, I heard a voice to my left, I wiped my tears and looked up, standing there was quite possibly the scariest thing you could ever see, a goth, dressed head to toe in black, with a long leather trench coat, black eye-liner, raven black hair and a face that said “don't fuck with me” and her 6’ft 3” boyfriend with a heavy leather jacket, shoulder length hair, steel toe-capped boots and massive body frame.
But I wasn't scared though as through the image of this “depressing lifestyle” was a sense of warmth and honesty.
She revealed her name to be Serra and her bf as being “Damo” and asked me if I was ok and introduced her bf, they seemed really nice people and were amused by my accent, we walked around for a while, just talking, swapping stories… though nothing too revealing.
She was kind, and nice and really friendly and when it came to 11pm and she had to go in because her mother was a bit protective she asked me if I wanted to come out and hang around the next day, I instantly agreed and went home happy, I had a fwiend.
Now, for reasons I can't quite fathom, over the next few weeks I grew quite fond of my new friends bf, and I couldn't explain why, I'll admit it, even now he's quite unconventional looking, but something about his “caveman” image just struck me, that and the fact he was a really nice guy and treated Serra with respect.
I met all of Serra and Damo’s friends over time, Camilla (who changed her name to Kamilla = Kam), Fran (Dusty), Anna, Edwin, Angel etc and we all got along fine, for once I had the friends I'd always desired, honest, trustworthy, loyal… and most importantly, they liked me for me.
Me and Serra grew close as friends, always staying at each others houses etc, telling each other everything, we laughed, cried and stared in silence together, we had a bond that just transcended friendship, it was a sisterly bond and one that can't be broken.
As I learnt of her history, I realised that compared to what she had been through my life was nothing but petty problems, but I was grateful to have her in my life.
After a couple of months of knowing her, she and Damo spilt up on a mutual basis, the were both at college and needed to focus (well she did, he just arsed around) and her violent temperament was too much for him to handle any more (thankfully she's calmed down somewhat) but they remained good friends, they didn't see the point in hating each other, they put the past behind them like adults and instead looked towards their prospective futures.
Now I know it was and is wrong, but I really like him, only problem is, he was my best friends ex, I told her I like him and she said she didn't mind because if anybody deserved a stable relationship, it should be me (aww, love her) but it still felt wrong.
We all hung around and had a laugh, and I was beginning to think that Damo quite liked me too… but I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have done anything anyway if he did, I wouldn't know what to do.
But one night, my dad and Kari were out, and I had a bit of a party at my house, nothing got smashed and they all behaved, but when it came to going to sleep, everyone had claimed my beds (at the time I had bunk beds, the lower bunk folded into a couch) so me and Damo were left to sleep in the spare room, which at the time was just a double mattress on the floor… I still wonder if this was planned by everyone though to push us together… either way, for reasons I can't figure out, during the night I woke up and wanted one of the bottles of water I had brought up, which meant I had to climb over this beast of a man while half drunk to get it, so I did, had my drink, then I just knelt there… looking at him for ages in the moonlight (too drunk to close the curtains) then he scared the shit out of me by opening his eyes real fast and sitting up.
He pulled me back down onto the mattress and I rested my head on his shoulder, and his head turned to face me… then I felt his lips against mine… my first kiss (eek), my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn't know quite what to do, but just went with what felt right, after a few minutes, we just both fell asleep curled up to each other only to be woken up the next morning by cheering… gits.
Over the course of the next few weeks, me and the yeti saw more of each other on our own, but neither of us spoke of what happened that night out of embarrassment, then that fateful day came when we officially became a couple.
I started my day like any other, getting up around 9 am (yeah... it's one of those stories) get up, brush my teeth, brush my hair and then get dressed (en suite bathroom) and the day was going well so far (In other words I hadn't slipped on the lino floor in the bathroom and knocked my teeth out on the sink... and the fact it was a quite warm Friday helped to).
Me and Damo (We didn't call him the yeti then, his hair was too shrt and he didn't have a beard) had been hanging around together, by ourselves an awful lot (not that I'm complaining, I'd like him since the first time I saw him back in July '03... by now I was totally in love with him but was scared to reveal my true emotions) and we'd grown pretty close, we acted like a teenage couple but without the intimacy and romance and people could see it coming a mile away... I used to lay on the couch in my bedroom (yes, I'm that posh) listening to Emilie Autumns Enchant album just wishing... wishing it were true.
Anyway, we met up at our normal meeting place at about 10:30am, it was a halfway point as he lived in the next town over, it was a wooden bench at a crossroads with a pub just over the road from it, it was actually a fairly warm day meaning I just needed to wear a light jacket and not my big heavy trench-coat (I was still a goth/metalhead back then, and on that particular day I wore my sleeveless Marylin Manson shirt, Worn denim skirt, fishnet stockings, knee length boots ((flat soled)) spiked bracelets, black lace netted gloves, biker jacket and a black skull bandanna)
So after we met up, because it was pretty warm outside, we went to go and chill in the local park for a bit, it was nice just laying on the grass and watching the world go by whilst we smoked more cigs than we could ever imagine.
We chatted about all kinds of things there, humorous things though like what we'd do if we had a time machine, where we'd hide out in the event of a zombie apocalypse... and then we got onto talking about theories on how the earth was created and how it will die... I now know the answers to both questions but thats another story.
Anyway, the hours passed by and before we knew it, it was like 2pm so we went up to the Golden Fish, fish 'n' chip shop for some food (which he kindly paid for), and we ate it outside on the benches they had, it was cool because there are traffic lights nearby so its funny to sit and watch people waiting in their cars doing a variety of odd things. picking their nose like nobodies watching, singing away to music, checking their hair in the mirror, impatiently tapping against the steering wheel with both hands (I must admit, I've found myself doing this quite often).
Well, we finished our lunch and decided to go to his place and watch a film... it was about 35 mins walk up to his house, but because he lived with his friends, it was quite the mess and he hated it as they couldn't keep it clean (his bedroom was the cleanest room... it was quite unbelievable) so we took a slow walk, just enjoying the sun because its rare to have it so nice and warm in March.
Again we talked about all sorts of crap and messed about, pushing each other etc, you know... the things you do when you're both into each other but too afraid to say anything... it's quite sweet though really as because even know when we walk hand in hand., there are still times we'll try and push each other into the middle of the road or share that extra special long kiss down a back alley when you assume nobodies watching.
Back to the story though.
We reached his house at about half past 3 and headed straight to the bedroom to avoid his friends and the messy house and I chillaxed nicely on his bead whilst he sat in a chair at the opposite end of the room by the window, this disheartened me somewhat as I knew we'd end up putting a film on while it played I could have edged myself ever closer to him and hope to god he'd put his arm around me... but he didn't, he stayed sat by the window.
After about half an hour of chatting and deciding what to watch, we eventually settled on Shrek, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but all the while I was watching it I kept noticing him look at me (well we did natter throughout the film, but at the [parts when we didn't talk) and knowing he was looking at me made me feel all warm, bubbly and giddy inside, it was great... but it was also torture as I just wanted nothing more than for him to be cuddled up next to me.
Well the film finished at about 5pm and with nothing to do, we put some music on, it was Aerosmiths Permanent Vacation album first and Damo sat on the bed next t me... my heart fluttered, it was crazy intense, and we chatted some more, then played what we call "The paper game" which is where one of use gets a ball of scrunched up paper and holds it tightly in their hand and the other has to retrieve it... I loved it! the physical, skin on skin contact and them moments where our faces, our lips were so close to touching... but nothing happened (even though we had previously kissed before, one time we were drunk as hell and we both felt awkward as hell the morning after, the other than that, he'd only kissed my cheek after walking me home once, but even that was enough to put me on cloud 9.
The Aerosmith CD finished and we put on Bon Jovi's Crush album, it played through once, and then on the second play through, he put it on shuffle.
Well the song Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen from Mars came on, and he sat there silently as I sang along to the song, near the songs end, I looked at the clock on my phone (Nokia 8310) and it had just turned 6:44pm, then as the song was finishing he looked at me and said "Can I ask you a question?" to which I replied "Yes"
"Will you go out with me?"
I looked at him stunned for a split second, that question had never been asked t me before, my heart raced and all I could do was splutter out "What Huh? Erm... Yeah"
Then when I realised what had just happened I choked on my own saliva as I swallowed... he just sat there smiling... it took a few seconds for it to sink in, but once it did I just sat there wondering what t do next, then the sng changed, to our song, She's a Mystery... The most beautiful song ever written.
After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, he came over and hugged me tight and then kissed me, it truly was a magical feeling, my first boyfriend, my first proper kiss, I loved every second of it.
After than however we just laid on the bed, I leant my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arm across his waist and we just talked, until the both of us drifted off to sleep.
We woke up again at about 7:30 and the sun was setting nicely, the navy blue sky merged beautifully with the pink and orange traces the sun left and I walked over to the window to look at it a bit better, after a few seconds I felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist as he held me, I was so happy I could have cried!
After that however, I decided it would be best if I went home, I'd been out since 10am and my daddy has/had a tendency to worry about me, especially if I was with boys lol.
So like a proper gentlemen he walked me home (it was an hour from his place to mine, and then he had to walk back again) and we walked happily hand in hand, you have no idea at how much my heart was pounding, how happy I truly was... all my friends had had boyfriends and girlfriends, but not me... I was 17 and still single, only wanting that one special person, and on that magic day, I got him!
We reached my house at about 9pm after a slow walk, just enjoying it, and while at my doorstep, he hugged me tight and kissed me so passionately I literally melted in his arms... it was pure magic!!
It was sad though, as I didn't want to leave him, to have to wait over 12 hours until I could see him again, but I was happy though, it was awesome!. Awesome and sad lol
Serra found out instantly as I texted her once I was inside to see if she was cool with it, which surprisingly, she was and I was the happiest girl in the world
A couple of years later (nearly 3) came my first sexual experience… ever, I won't go into detail about it, but it was the most magical night ever, he had been with me so long, never talked about it, mentioned it, tried to touch me or anything and I truly loved him, he was staying at mine that night as dad was out (little did I know it was with Julie… uh) and things just happened… and I don't regret it.
A few weeks later, my dad introduced Julie to the family and that she was going to move in… I wasn't happy, from minute one we never got one!
Within a few months they were married, no big ceremony, just a registry job, but I always felt that she resented me, to the point where I broke her nose after she kicked me out of the house.
Two weeks later I was allowed back in and realised that she had just been wanting rid of me while she moved me into the attic, a bedroom with the floor span of the entire house? OOOOH YESH!!!
The night before new years eve in 2007, I got asked a question I'll never forget, “Will you marry me?” I accepted, but the celebration was short lived as Kari came home that night battered and bruised after her boyfriend at the time battered her after she confronted him for cheating on her.
Damo is the kind of guy who hates guys who hit women no matter the reason (so if he ever came to Utah and met your ex… your ex wouldn't be chewing his food for a while) and rode out on his bike, alone to confront Kari’s now ex and came back covered in blood, but didn't have a scratch on him aside from his knuckles… but this didn't halt the celebration of our engagement too much as Kari was able to down a few, the only problem was keeping her hidden from dad until her wounds healed (if he found out, he’d have her shackled up never to leave the house again for her own protection, Julie knew however and understood)
The wedding preparations were rushed as I knew there was only one date I could have and didn't want to wait until 2009, the 21st June, first day of the summer solstice, but it also happens to be Serra’s birthday, but she didn't mind sharing as she knew it meant so much to me, the handfast (lets be proper with our Wiccan words) was beautiful and I was able to fly, Shmoo and my priestess from the circle I belonged to, as well as the rest of my family out, it began to rain lightly at the end to which the priestess replied “even mother earth cries on such a joyous occasion”
During all this I had begun to start a project, it was one I never thought I'd complete but thought I'd try anyway, a book about a Faerie Princess, I'd been outlining it and planning it for a while, but it wasn't until August that I actually began writing it… that project is still being worked on today…
After I moved into my new home (which is across the street from my old one) I grew bored quickly, it was the end of July and Kari had quit her job at the pharmacy a few months prior and was looking for something new, I was painting her nails for her when she suggested that we should do it as a business, so we started looking into it, applying for permits and all sorts of other crap to open a salon, I attended training courses so I could manage it, we found the perfect place for it, but was still under lease for another two months even though it was an empty space so me and Kari paid the current leasers for the two months so we could start remodelling and on the 18th of September 2008, 5 points was born, though much work was still needed, it was there.
We opened up on the 3rd November 2008.
Well that's my life story up to November 2008,... I know, it's dull, but its my story and nobody forced you to read it so shut yer gob!
However, I do at some point intend to update it to fit in the events from 2008 until now, Though with having this blog and other events already catalogued, part of me feels it would be but a sheer waste of my time... Hmm
Until next time
Blessed Be
XxXxX
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Ticking away
In like two and a quater months, I shall be a mother... yeah me, who'd have ever thunk it eh?
Personally, not me.
Yeah I've always wanted a kid, talked about it with my husband, always talking about names and parenting styles etc, you know, the average this and that... but we'd always planned to wait a bit 'till we were more older, more mature and ready for it.
And as much as I am looking forward to it all, holding her little hand and watching her grow up into a lady etc, I'm also quite scared, not of the birth, not of losing her when she's old enough to some man (or woman) who will sweep her off her feet, marry her and take her take her away to live a life of (hopeful) bliss... but of failing her.
I'm afraid of being a bad mother, like the cycle will come back round and hit me in the ass causing me to go on a downward spiral the same way my own mother did.
She wasn't a bad mother by any means, but she left me and my sisters, I know it was to help but she was never there when I needed her the most,to hold me tight when I got scared, to tell me "it'll all be ok" and to be at my wedding... it took me 11 long years until I found a subsitute for the security I desired, and even now, sometimes its still not enough.
I don't want that to be my fate, my daughters fate... our daughters fate, some days I look at myself in the mirror, and what do I see standing before me? a ticking time-bomb of responsibillity just waiting to go off... responsibillity that sometimes I don't think I'll be able to hande.
Then I see him, my husband, my saviour, my knight in shining armour and it doesn't seem to phase him at all, I know he's nervous about it, but it doesn't show through, his methodology behind it is "I'll take it one step at a time. He's truly accepted what will come and he shall be my rock, my guiding light, and he is right, thats all there is to it.
I know I won't be the most perfect mother in the world, but I can try, and the trick is not to plan ahead to the future but to live in the moment, the now as it were.
So while I may not be 100% ready for it, I know that i will be when the time comes, and it will come and nothing can ever change that... and with him there to hold my hand through the trials of parenthood yet to come, I smile, I welcome them because I know that I won't be alone, I'll never be alone, he'll alays be there with me.
And for this, I am truly grateful.
Personally, not me.
Yeah I've always wanted a kid, talked about it with my husband, always talking about names and parenting styles etc, you know, the average this and that... but we'd always planned to wait a bit 'till we were more older, more mature and ready for it.
And as much as I am looking forward to it all, holding her little hand and watching her grow up into a lady etc, I'm also quite scared, not of the birth, not of losing her when she's old enough to some man (or woman) who will sweep her off her feet, marry her and take her take her away to live a life of (hopeful) bliss... but of failing her.
I'm afraid of being a bad mother, like the cycle will come back round and hit me in the ass causing me to go on a downward spiral the same way my own mother did.
She wasn't a bad mother by any means, but she left me and my sisters, I know it was to help but she was never there when I needed her the most,to hold me tight when I got scared, to tell me "it'll all be ok" and to be at my wedding... it took me 11 long years until I found a subsitute for the security I desired, and even now, sometimes its still not enough.
I don't want that to be my fate, my daughters fate... our daughters fate, some days I look at myself in the mirror, and what do I see standing before me? a ticking time-bomb of responsibillity just waiting to go off... responsibillity that sometimes I don't think I'll be able to hande.
Then I see him, my husband, my saviour, my knight in shining armour and it doesn't seem to phase him at all, I know he's nervous about it, but it doesn't show through, his methodology behind it is "I'll take it one step at a time. He's truly accepted what will come and he shall be my rock, my guiding light, and he is right, thats all there is to it.
I know I won't be the most perfect mother in the world, but I can try, and the trick is not to plan ahead to the future but to live in the moment, the now as it were.
So while I may not be 100% ready for it, I know that i will be when the time comes, and it will come and nothing can ever change that... and with him there to hold my hand through the trials of parenthood yet to come, I smile, I welcome them because I know that I won't be alone, I'll never be alone, he'll alays be there with me.
And for this, I am truly grateful.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Can I just say that...
I love my husband more than anything in the world, he's amazing.
I was thinking about us this morning and when we first gpt together and our first date feeding ducks at the canal and when we first kissed properly outside of being drunk etc and it's left me in a bubbly mood all day.
I love him!
I was thinking about us this morning and when we first gpt together and our first date feeding ducks at the canal and when we first kissed properly outside of being drunk etc and it's left me in a bubbly mood all day.
I love him!
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